The Games We Play

When you’re unemployed, you discover that you have quite a lot of free time. And, as the flawed human beings we all are, this time is sometimes used in peculiar ways.

Thank Goodness we're not, like, curing cancer or something.

One of the most common things people gravitate to (and by “people” I mean males aged 14-30) is games. They’re fun. To me, some feel like being a general, while others feel like being the main character in a movie.

But sometimes, this doesn’t translate over very well to your better half…

Damn.

Sometimes, you try to reconcile…

"I don't even know how you did that... Super Mario Bros doesn't usually have a HitlerMode.

But other times, you just try to hide it like the shame-ridden thing you clearly are to her.

And, after three years, I had almost given up hope…

And then it happened.

She discovered Civilization V.

It was incredible.

It was terrifying.

I gave her small lessons here and there, but she figured out the majority of it herself. And, last night, she claimed her first Domination victory.

And, soon, there will be multiplayer…

Loans and Malaysia

Well, the past couple days have been interesting to say the least.

I've seen lots of very very high numbers! It's magical!

Except when it isn't.

The first number to come in was the huuuuuuuge number of pageviews I got Tuesday.

Don't go to those websites. Seriously.

Upon further investigation, it was made clear these hits were coming from...


Malaysia.

Therefore, there must only be one solution...

I am the Chosen One of Malaysia.

Or, perhaps, it's the spambots as a helpful user on Facebook pointed out.

Ah well. Glory for but a moment. I am gonna call it the Malaysian Anomaly. Because that sounds cool.

The next high number was even more sinister than the first.

It came from Student Loanville.

If you sue me, I'll just not be able to pay you anyways.

Shit.

But wait, there's more!

Call RIGHT now and you'll be screwed over to find out deferment is not an option for you! Hooray!

... If anyone would like to give me a winning lottery ticket, I'd be just a bit thankful.

I'll sell you the Crown of Malaysia!

I'll forego bacon for a week  a day!

JUST SAVE ME FROM THE MONSTER!!!

Student debt has swelled to over $1 TRILLION freaking dollars recently. A trillion. And, just to effing boot, that's about 6.66% of our economy.

Student loans really ARE the Devil.

If you'd like to donate a penny to the Save the BlueCru fund, that'd be nice. Other wise, leave a comment below discussing how fucked I am. 

The Story of Watson: The Breakfast Thief

I've talked about cats and dogs before, but this time it's personal.

This is the story of Watson, a mini wired-hair dachshund.
Here he is.

Isn't he cute?
Isn't he nice looking?
Doesn't he seem like a nice, fun, awesome dog?

It's a lie. All lies.
He's a double agent. A traitor.
Let me cartoonify him first.

Because you deserved it. Traitor.

One day, I decided to take some time and make Eggs Benedict for breakfast (point of information: this was at my parent's house, and Watson is my parent's dog).

What is eggs benedict, you ask? Let me draw it out for you.

So I just finish making this concoction of deliciousness, this edible monument to engineering. I place it on the table, and go to quickly clean the dishes before eating it, as I don't like to eat lava.

Now is a good time to mention that dogs are simple creatures with very simple minds...

This dog, with a height or like 8 inches, JUMPED onto the chair, HOPPED onto the table, and ATE BOTH EGGS BENEDICT I MADE.

And then ran off.

All before I even freaking realized what was happening.

It was gone. All the work (which is more than you think) was eaten in the space of a minute. By Watson the dog.

And the plate was licked clean.

It was a most grievous error. I spent the rest of the day playing Indoor Safari with a nerf gun, stalking the Puppy Errant and shooting him with the foam darts.

Because, well, you can't actually be angry at a dog that cute.

"Soon I shall be the Bacon King!"

Comments Welcome!

Thankfulness in Fruitlessness

Ah Thanksgiving, the only holiday where we claim we’re thankful, and then spend the next few days literally killing people to get more stuff we want.

It’s the American way! Whoo!

When you’re jobless, the sales and bargains don’t apply to you because you’re already thankful for what you have you can’t afford anything anyways.

So, naturally, one has to get creative as to what to be thankful for.

It’s the simple things, really. And, yes, before MaterBaconia and LavaGirl and assorted friends, family members, and talking sinks start yelling at me: Yes. I am supremely, and very very VERY thankful for each and every one of you. You’ve molded me into the (psychotic) person I am, and you keep me going.

Thank you for being who you are, and for helping me figure out who I am.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

The State of the Blog (1st)

GNSNEEEEEEEEE FIS SGN?
?LSFNTS.HTML
THw#=English
Beginning Transmission:
Greetings, people of Earth.
We have your president.
He seems to have a high bacon content.
We'll be serving him on the side.

... other than that, nice place you have here. See ya around!

End Transmission.

Breaking the Ice Through Brute Force

The Interview.

If you didn’t shutter or nervously chuckle at that, there’s something wrong with you.

Interviews are like the Final Boss of the job search. If you win, music plays, you open the big chest, and DOO-DOO-DOO-DOOOOOO! Your job offer hovers above your triumphantly raised hands rotating.

It's your eviction notice.

This is a tricky place, however. You get asked questions and you’re expected to come up with good answers. Not *just* good answers, but AMAZING, SURPRISINGLY ELOQUENT answers that would make Cicero jealous.

"You leave me out of this."

And, naturally, when you’re away from the high-pressure area of Mr. Boss’s office, you can come up with some pretty good answers.

But when you go there,  you’re going to fuck it up. Royally.

Oh yeah. All the fucking time.

Yeeeah, there can be some pretty catastrophically awkward moments in an interview. And they are damned near unavoidable. One misstep, and it’s into awkwardland you go.

And no one can prevent it.

It’s impossible to avoid the ensuing onslaught. The best you can do is to follow some sort of procedure in order to either get out of the awkwardness or to brace for impact…

Everyone faces awkward moments. Just most don't completely implode when it happens. 

... this *might* be the reason I'm still unemployed...

Comment and share below! 

The Hall(mark) of Horrors

As the holidays approach, there’s many things to look forward to.  Cookies, decorations, Santa, food, presents; all these things just bring out the awesomeness of Christmas.

But there’s a dark side to this, as well, and any guy who’s been in a relationship before knows there are certain obligations. And these include, amongst other things, watching Christmas movies.

… specifically, watching Hallmark Christmas movies.

Know Thy Enemy

"What's a Hallmark movie?" you ask, stepping off from the plane you took from your native North Korea after hours of customs processing and hiding from the secret police. IT IS THE BANE OF YOUR MANLY, LOGICAL EXISTENCE. 

Every Hallmark movie I've seen (and, with 5 sisters, a fiancée, and a LavaMom who LOVES that satanic channel, I've seen too many THE HORRORS OF WAR), has had the following prognosis:

Middle Aged Female Protagonist's life is going sooooo well for the first 15 minutes. Then, it all turns to shit and she ends up alone (divorce, separation, or her 14 cats all died of dysentery). The next FIVE HOURS are then devoted to her finding a friend and working herself back up to an even better position than when the movie began, through a series of way-too-good-to-ever-happen-in-reality events. All the while, no matter what, you are perfectly clean, well dressed, and considered attractive by your alternate-universe's social standards. And, at some point, the SuperRichAndGoodLookingGuy™ magically becomes attracted to you. Of course, 3 hours of the courtship revolves around how "it'd never work." At the end of the movie, Middle Aged Female Protagonist is now happily planning her wedding to SuperRichAndGoodLookingGuy and everyone loves her so much and SHE GOT TO BECOME AN ARTIST LIKE SHE ALWAYS WANTED. YAY.

... oh, and it's all produced on a budget the size of my monthly allowance. (read as: 15¢)

Over the years being tortured by this shit, it’s become clear to me that there is a pattern that occurs every time a Hallmark movie comes on. 

Interestingly enough, it’s the Stages of Grief.

Stage 1: Denial

"Oh no, we can't *possibly* be actually watching this," you think. These movies are terrible. Surely she knows that! She MUST be just flipping channels...

Stage 2: Anger

You rise up from your seat, dazed, confused, and angry. YOU THOUGHT SHE LOVED YOU. Or at least liked you enough to NOT subject you to the terror that is a Hallmark Christmas movie. That level of cheese is dangerous to one's health.

Stage 3: Bargaining

You frantically search for excuses, reasons why, and favors you can do in order to avoid your fate. 

Stage 4: Depression

You have run out of options. It's all over and you know it. You will be forced to go through this.

Stage 5: Acceptance

You've been hypnotized into a mindless shell of your former self. You have no identity, no wants or desires outside of the fatal case of Hallmarkitis. Your personality has melted into a formless glob of cheese. You're a Hallmark Zombie.

Remember to share and like this post and others! And leave a comment, dammit!

On Scams and Sadness

Hello! Yes, I am alive, and I’m sorry for the wait.

On Friday I had an interview with a well-known company for an Asset Protection position. Basically, I’d be someone who watches customers and employees and make sure than safety is observed and that merchandise is not stolen or damaged. 

So, I showed up for the interview at 4:30 as I was supposed to.

And waited.

And waited.

… and waited.

Twenty minutes later, I was FINALLY interviewed.

And, naturally, one of the issues that came up in the interview was as follows:

Huh.

Well, if that wasn’t a bait and switch, I don’t know what is. I mean, come on, who does that?

So anyways, he listed a few things that ultimately had nothing to do with what I wanted. And, on top of that, they were all sales position, that were seasonal, and “they’ll extend an offer if you work hard.”

I hate sales. And I also hate being essentially lied to. It sucks. But hey, I need money pretty badly. 

So… I guess I’ll just take it.

The interview proceeded and then ended, and I was invited to a second interview.

“Awesome, I suppose.” was my thought at that time. It was such a let down to go there and be told “oh, they thing we called you in for isn’t available, BUT YOU CAN DO THIS INSTEAD, RIGHT?”

I had such a feeling of “meh” I could’ve been a hipster. It was ridiculous.

But I need the money.

So, I agreed to show up yesterday (Monday), again at 4:30, to take a second interview.

And, again I showed up on time.

… and I waited.

See any similarities here?

“We’re very sorry, but we filled all of our positions. We’ll keep you on file, though!”

… seriously? What made this place think it could waste my time, effort, and gas money? It was really upsetting in the moment.

There are a TON of scams out there that are technically legal, but unethical as all get out.

"It's not child abuse if they do it to themselves."

It is absolutely terrible. So terrible, I’m gonna make an infographic about it.

Best infographic EVAR.

And the thing is that they paint this picture like it’s a fix-all when it’s really a make-your-life-shittier.

After all this bullshit, I sometimes need to take a break and remember that it will get better.

Unless, of course, it doesn’t.

 Know of any scams? Just want to rant? Comment about them below! I promise I'll reply!

Also, leave a comment with any number 1-5 to select which topic I'm writing about next!