I need an In-Store GPS system

"Some men are born great plumbers. Others have great plumberness thrust upon them."

"My mustache doubles as a pipe snake."

Alas, not by birthright was my moment of truth thrust upon me.

There was a sink.

In the sink, was a drain.

And in the drain, was a clog.

(Thanks, Wikipedia Official Cobbler Berkh!)

Dammit, girl! Your shoe habits are out of control!

And, naturally, it was up to me to recover remove the clog. 

First, however, I needed to procure clog removing super serum from my local neighborhood WalMart. Now, let's make this clear first and foremost: WalMarts come in all shapes, sizes, and degrees of utmost terror and confusion. This WalMart is by far the worst I've been in. 

It's small, it's lit just enough to prevent the furbies from coming alive, and whoever was in charge of organizing the layout of the store just also happened to be a member of your local meth lab.

These are troubling times, indeed.

So I enter the store, biohazard suit and all, and begin searching for anything to do with cleaning. Alas! One of those hanging signs! A glorious sign from the heavens! Where is the cleaning section, o prophet?!

"Cleaning and Paper"? Alright... I guess those two make sense. 

*I proceed forward to the next sign and look up*

Wut.

I looked around, puzzled. Where the hell did cleaning go?? I found nearby vacuums and thought "Hey, those clean! Maybe I walked past it!"

Nope. T'was just an illusion. A red herring. The preying upon my soul by a dirt devil. 

"Dyson: We roll on a ball to bust yours."

I walked aimlessly around, looking. I checked the WalMart website to see if they had it in stock, and they did. WHERE THE HELL WAS IT?!?!

Well, in accordance with the wishes of John H. Crackhead, the section was in the opposite corner from the sign. In the "Grocery and Pharmacy" side of the store. Hiding like a dog that got too close to the Eagles stadium.

"Did they get rid of Michael Vick yet?"

All in all it was quite the journey, taking 20 damned minutes to find something that should've been found in 5. When it comes to shopping, I am very much a guy: "Go in, grab it, get the hell out." 

And after all of this excellent work, I got to go back and work lovingly and tenderly on a clogged sink.

... screw this.

Do you have any WalMart or shopping horror stories? Post them in a comment below! Also, be sure to tell absolutely everyone and everything you know and see to read this blog or I will hunt you down. Thanks for reading!